Why Rejection Feels Like Death and What to Do About It

Feeling accepted, appreciated, and deeply loved by others is one of our most important human needs. But when we’re snubbed by friends, fired from our jobs, estranged from family, or ostracized by our communities, feelings of rejection can leave us feeling deeply wounded. 

Why Is Rejection So Painful?
Social rejection is an instinctive fear we’ve been programmed to avoid since caveman days. Back then, humans were far more likely to survive by living in groups, so being rejected from a group was akin to a death sentence. 

This led to two things. First, we developed a psychological warning system attuned to social disapproval cues to alert us to potential rejection from the group. Second, people who were more sensitive to rejection were more likely to conform to the group’s standards, remain in the tribe, and survive, consequently passing along the genes for that sensitivity. 

Basically, feeling the need to be accepted and being super sensitive to rejection have been fundamental aspects of human nature for millions of years. So if you think you should just “get over” rejection and move on with your life like it’s no big deal, you’re basically telling yourself to deny millions of years of human development and instinct.

Your Brain on Rejection
That psychological warning system that looks for social disapproval cues is a complex network designed to help us behave in ways that foster acceptance and maintain vigilance against any threats to our state of acceptance and belonging. In other words, our brains are wired to feel deeply triggered by even the slightest indications of rejection or exclusion. 
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This warning system looks for subtle things like disinterest, disapproval, low responsiveness, avoidance, and distant body language. It’s also on alert for more explicit things like being straight-up dumped or kicked out of a social group. Any of these cues can trigger the system, activating the same areas of the brain as when we experience physical pain. So yes, rejection literally hurts.​

Rejection Is an Attachment Wound
Speaking of physical pain, you know how when you get a sunburn, you avoid bumping into things or hugging your friends and family because it hurts whenever anything touches you? You have an immediate physical reaction if someone or something bumps up against you. You pull away or push them away because it’s so painful. 

Attachment wounds can be a lot like that. And rejection is an attachment wound (along with things like abandonment, abuse, and betrayal). Attachment wounds are caused by ruptures within a close relationship. So the rejection is the rupture, and then the response is often (especially after multiple rejections) to become more cautious around others, to pull away, and maybe even to start building walls to protect ourselves from future “bumps” or attachment wounds.
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Acceptance is a Basic Human Need 
Abraham Maslow was a psychologist and generally smart guy whose research focused on how humans self-actualize or achieve their full potential. He created a “hierarchy of needs” represented by a pyramid to explain his theory of human motivation. 

At the base of the pyramid are our most fundamental needs, including food and shelter. Above that is safety and security. And guess what’s right above that? Love and belonging. Maslow’s research found that after basic survival and safety needs, acceptance was the next most important human need. He proposed that without a sense of love and belonging, humans cannot become self-actualized or achieve their greatest potential.

The Emotions of Rejection
A surprising amount of human emotion is influenced by rejection, whether it’s anticipated, remembered, imagined, or happening in real-time. Sadness, depression, jealousy, loneliness, anger - these are common feelings associated with rejection. 

Some less obvious emotions related to rejection include social anxiety, guilt, and shame. Social anxiety occurs in response to anticipated rejection. We may worry we’ll make a bad impression or think we’re innately unattractive or unlikeable, therefore we won’t be accepted by others. Guilt and shame evolved to help keep us in line with social norms to prevent rejection. They work to prevent us from engaging in moral or ethical violations, or, if we’ve already engaged in some violation, to remedy the damage caused by our actions (apologizing, engaging in restitution, etc.).

None of these emotions are “bad.” They simply provide information, signaling events that could impact your well-being. No one wants to experience those events or emotions, but if you know how to handle them, you can lessen their impact.

How to Handle Rejection
Clearly, rejection is a painful injury that can have detrimental effects on our well-being and even our life’s potential. But just like physical injuries, there are things we can do to soothe the pain, properly care for the wound, and build resilience so that future rejections are less detrimental.

Play the ‘What If’ Game Both Ways
We all play the “what if” game. “What if I didn’t say that dumb thing? What if they think I’m weird? What if I sounded like an idiot?” This is playing the negative version of the game and it often stirs up the inner critic, sometimes leading to some pretty harsh internal dialogue. 

If you can play the negative version, you can play the positive version, too. “What if saying that dumb thing made someone else less intimidated because it showed that I’m human and make mistakes just like everyone else? What if it actually didn’t even sound dumb at all and this is just my inner critic talking?”

Notice your inner dialogue and see if it leans more negative or positive. You have the power to interrupt it and guide it in whichever direction you choose.

What Is the Story I’m Telling Myself?
Let’s take the “what if” game a step deeper. So instead of simply making up “what if” stories, you dive into the deeper story behind the feeling of rejection.

For example, maybe you’re getting frustrated because you feel like you’re doing all the work of planning dates for you and your partner. Ask yourself, “What is the story I’m telling myself?” Maybe you’ve begun to tell yourself that they don’t really care about the relationship or that they don’t like you as much as you thought. 

Is there another possibility? Maybe they’re super stressed about work and didn’t even realize they were flaking out on the relationship. Or they thought you loved planning things and were stepping back to let you do more of what you enjoy. Don’t assume your story is a fact until you verify it.

Keep in mind that psychological systems that monitor the environment for threats (like the one that’s always looking for social disapproval and rejection cues) are often biased toward finding threats even when there are none. This means they’re less likely to miss indicators of potential rejection. It also means they sometimes overreact to things.

Build Feelings of Connection
Rejection can damage our self-esteem, leaving us feeling uncertain and socially untethered. Counter those feelings by engaging in activities that make you feel appreciated, loved, and connected. Here are a few ways to foster those feelings:

• Call someone who loves you
• Do something nice for someone else
• Engage in a group activity
• Attend a support group
• Volunteer
• Pet a cute animal (Connecting with animals works!)
• Watch your favorite movie or read your favorite book (Connecting with fictional characters works too!)

Many people go to the gym and work to build their muscles to improve their physical health. You can also work to build connections to improve your mental health. Go to events, join clubs, attend classes, and talk to your neighbors. If you work to build a solid and varied support system, you can more easily weather future rejections and other mental health issues.

Recognize Your Self-Worth
This might sound silly, but try listing 5 of your best qualities. Rejection has a way of revving up the old inner critic, so counter that by focusing on what you like about yourself. What makes you a good friend? Maybe you’re reliable or a good listener. What makes you a good employee? Maybe you’re organized or responsible. What makes you a good partner? Maybe you’re emotionally supportive or a great cook. 

You might also directly address a particular rejection with this. Maybe someone made fun of you for having crooked teeth. (It’s me, they made fun of my crooked teeth.) Counter that by recognizing that your smile brings joy to people or imagining that your crooked teeth are strong enough to bite him. (I chose the latter.)

Conclusion
Rejection sucks. Humans were built to perceive it as dangerous and to be constantly vigilant against it, so you’re totally normal if you’ve had strong emotional reactions to rejection or if you keep yourself small out of fear of rejection. But with a bit of hard work, you can build your support network and your emotional resilience to better manage feelings related to rejection in the future.

~ Jennifer Carragher, Guest Writer, LCMHCA at Sweetbay Counseling, & PFA Blog Writer in 2021 & 2022. Her most popular blog post during that season was The Ultimate Guide to Finding Free & Affordable Counseling in Charlotte.